pull and push, push and shove
by demonlifehealer
Summary: China isn't sure what japan wants. Should he push him away or should he pull him closer until Japan pushes him away again, or should they both just...stop. Drabble. Yao/Kiku, pre-slash.


Yup, it's a drabble and my first Hetalia fic. I'm sorta going through the whole family rejection/acceptance drama now so I'm putting my angst into this! Mwahaha! Hopefully I will produce a yaoi Hetalia one day (and do I have some ideas)! Hope you'll like this, please tell me what you think.

Disclaimer:Do not own.

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Yao stared at the computer screen. This was the third time in the last one hundred years that he had received an email like this from his younger brother. The Chinese man stared at the words with mixed feelings. These emails were all the same over the years. They would talk about how sorry Kiku was and how he would like to repair their relationship. Each time the older nation would respond with an enthusiastic reply. He would state that he would love to repair their fractured relationship. He had never stopped loving the younger nation and these email made his heart fill with hope for the future. The funny thing was after he sent the reply telling Japan that he was forgiven, the younger nation wouldn't send him any more emails. He wouldn't call him, and he wouldn't visit him, even when they saw each other at the World Meetings Japan would avoid him at all costs. When Yao would confront Kiku about the emails the younger nation would pretend that he didn't know what his older brother was talking about.

Wang Yao would then go to his (empty) home and sob. He would sob for lost opportunities, he would sob for a lost chance, and he would sob for their future which seemed so dim. Sometimes at night he wondered what type of game his younger sibling was playing? Did he enjoy making the older hopeful just so he could bring him down again? He hated to think that Kiku could be so cruel. Was he supposed to do something? Their relationship was always push and pull. Kiku pushes him away and Yao tries to pull Kiku back to him. His heart ached as he looked at the email that said how sorry Japan was and how much he missed his older brother. China swallowed the small bit of hope that rose up inside of him. He wanted to reply to the email. He wanted to believe that if he did things would change, yet that logical part of him argued that it didn't work before so how would replying fix their relationship now? He decided it was time for him to be the one that pushed.

"Email Deleted" blinked onto the screen.

What Yao didn't know was Japan was just as confused about his feelings. He only emailed him when he was depressed and drunk. There was no way he would put his pride on the line when he was sober. He was afraid of China's responses. They could hurt him. There were times where it was just so hard at the office and he wished that he could go back to when he was younger. He wished that he could run into that mansion like house and help his older brother prepare dinner like he used to. He wanted to curl up and fall asleep next to the older. He wanted to cry into his older brother's shoulder when things got unbearable like before and listen to Yao's soothing voice telling him everything would be alright.

It was often when he was miserable that he got these urges, and the memories would resurface. The sake gave him the strength to belt out all of his regrets and apologies in an email. It wasn't until the next day that he would have remembered what he had done. The shame of losing control was always too much but it was like someone stuck a knife inside him and turned it when he would read his GiGi's loving reply. He wanted so badly to believe him, yet after what he had done to the older nation he was positive it was just a prank. The younger would harden himself, forcing his mind to go over every possible manipulation. He would convince himself that it didn't matter. That they most likely couldn't have made it work.

Japan was like the push and shove. He wanted to shove Yao into his love, but then he would be afraid and push him out before his older brother had anything to hold onto. When Japan looked at his email account this time after his embarrassing morning after, there was nothing. A small bit of disappointment rose in his chest.

Perhaps the tide was changing , perhaps one day they can stop.

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Pure Angst. Umm.. btw I think GiGi means older brother in Chinese. Thanks a bundle and please review!


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